I'm in the mood to name babies (Xuma). I don't need to birth or raise any more babies, but I want to name some (Anya).
As a kid playing the board game Life, my favorite part was giving names to the little pink (Kristy, as in McNichol) or blue (Parker, as in Stevenson) pegs in the backseat. I bought a baby name book when I was still in high school - and still hated children. I didn't imagine being a Mom. I just wanted to pore over the lists and definitions and create perfect first/middle combos (Tiffany Crystal). I made list after list during each pregnancy.
When I hear what parents are considering naming their children, I can always tell if it will be a boy or girl based on how good the names are. I've never been wrong. If you've got Alice Pearl versus Kevin Alan, you're having a girl. And my own kids have the best names ever! Really. (I'm not so comfortable sharing those names with you. Trust me that they're good names, okay? Even though I don't trust you.) I'll tell you this: my oldest's name means lame warrior maiden. Lame, top that.
I feel like I've spent a lifetime developing my ear and honing my taste. How can I share this gift? Lots of people out there are giving their kids crappy names (Atlas) and they need a wake-up call. I realize now my mission in life is to become a baby name consultant. I could be part of the solution instead of sitting by silently judging parents after it's too late (Dawson).
I intended this baby name consulting idea as a joke, but after a quick google search, I find out there really are people who are paid to pick names. I would so hate all the stupid parents who'd hire me.
I do have a hole in my resume. I've never named a boy. I'm pissed off that my friend's grandson is named Hank (my name!) and that Edward Cullen of Twilight fame has tainted the name Edward for the next 20 years (Hank's middle name). So, there goes all my hard work on Hank Edward, or should I say Not Harry Elton, since I have a rule about not using the name of any child I know, or of famous teen vampires. If someone gives me a nameless infant boy, I'll have to start over from scratch.
And, no, I don't want to name your dog.
This is my rock and roll love letter to you.
1 week ago