There are five styles of swimsuits for a woman my age:
1. The Cocktail Dress: usually black with gauzy inserts for mystery and drama; could be worn to a fine restaurant with the right sarong; The Wedding Dress, in white, is a variation. The Cocktail Dress says, "I don't know how to swim, but look at these legs! I do Pilates!"
2. The Yacht Club: primary colors and stripes, with rope and grommets. The Yacht Club says, "I'm athletic, but not horsey!"
3. The Resort: animal or tropical prints with gold or wood bead accents, The Resort says, "alcoholic." (I kid. Actually it says "I don't want to be at my community pool - I'm being whisked away on a Caribbean cruise any second now!)
4. The Mary Ann: ruffles, bows in pastels and plaids. The Mary Ann says, "I'm young and flirty and innocent. Where are my cigarettes?"
5. The Nerd: with or without skirt in Don't Notice Me colors (refer to Lands End catalog), The Nerd says "I'm a mom to a toddler. I can perform CPR and I wear SPF 600." (If only it included a water-proof pocket for Goldfish crackers!)
I do not mean to disparage these fine, fine, awesome, totally awesome choices or the lovely ladies who wear them. We've all been there. I have worn 3 out of the 5 styles myself. Maybe 4. (Hopefully, no photographic evidence exists one way or the other.)
Anyhow, available styles are less important than quality. I just want my swimsuit to fit and to be FULLY LINED. I want this for all women. I don't want to know which of the moms at my pool are waxing and to what degree and I don't want to see anybody's nipples. Let's keep that all under wraps so we can have a conversation in the snack bar line without blushing.
I long ago made peace with the high price of swimsuits, but I'm not paying for see-through. I'm talking to you, Michael Kors and Calvin Klein. You gentlemen really let me down this year. Please, don't force me to go back to The Nerd. I can't go back, I won't.
This is my rock and roll love letter to you.
1 week ago