Monday, May 24, 2010

Is my life a Cathy comic strip?

There are five styles of swimsuits for a woman my age:

1.  The Cocktail Dress:  usually black with gauzy inserts for mystery and drama; could be worn to a fine restaurant with the right sarong; The Wedding Dress, in white, is a variation.  The Cocktail Dress says, "I don't know how to swim, but look at these legs!  I do Pilates!"

2.  The Yacht Club:  primary colors and stripes, with rope and grommets. The Yacht Club says, "I'm athletic, but not horsey!"

3.  The Resort:  animal or tropical prints with gold or wood bead accents, The Resort says, "alcoholic." (I kid. Actually it says "I don't want to be at my community pool - I'm being whisked away on a Caribbean cruise any second now!)

4.  The Mary Ann: ruffles, bows in pastels and plaids. The Mary Ann says, "I'm young and flirty and innocent. Where are my cigarettes?"

5.  The Nerd: with or without skirt in Don't Notice Me colors (refer to Lands End catalog), The Nerd says "I'm a mom to a toddler. I can perform CPR and I wear SPF 600." (If only it included a water-proof pocket for Goldfish crackers!)

I do not mean to disparage these fine, fine, awesome, totally awesome choices or the lovely ladies who wear them. We've all been there. I have worn 3 out of the 5 styles myself. Maybe 4. (Hopefully, no photographic evidence exists one way or the other.)

Anyhow, available styles are less important than quality. I just want my swimsuit to fit and to be FULLY LINED. I want this for all women. I don't want to know which of the moms at my pool are waxing and to what degree and I don't want to see anybody's nipples. Let's keep that all under wraps so we can have a conversation in the snack bar line without blushing. 

I long ago made peace with the high price of swimsuits, but I'm not paying for see-through. I'm talking to you, Michael Kors and Calvin Klein. You gentlemen really let me down this year. Please, don't force me to go back to The Nerd.  I can't go back, I won't.


Shutt2u said...

What about 'Speedo'? Would that fall into the Nerd category?

chaosdollheads said...

the speedo would likely fall into some unmentionable categories for some.

honestly, i prefer 1920s era swimsuits to anything modern i've seen (and i haven't seen much in this century/millennia, since i haven't been swimming since the 1990s). sports illustrated, i fear, will never cotton to my idea.

Olivejenny said...

I had a traumatic experience in a speedo once. I'm not gonna talk about it (traumatic, I said) but my age was questioned as I stood on the podium. Then I learned why my coach wore a speedo under her speedo. I'm uncomfortable even recalling it now.

Not Stacy, if this post wasn't so hilarious and totally relate-able I might be eating that gorgeous piece of chocolate right ... over ... there ... mmmmmmmmm.... chocolate.....

susan said...

I bought a bathing suit for Brittany last year from the Victoria's Secret catalog. Didn't know until it arrived that the top was nipple city. I purchased "nipple covers" for her which I also bought from VS. I had to get a few pairs because after getting wet and drying out multiple times, they didn't last very long.

TeacherSharon said...

She said, "Nipple City."