Monday, April 5, 2010
A Letter of No Merit on a Topic of No Import
Dear Not Cheetah,
The Masters' starts in Augusta this week. One thing, please: you must win. Please, go ahead and win. I'm tired of hearing about your dumb-dumb personal life and want you to go back to being a golfer. This is America, land of hero-worship and short attention spans. All the people who are vilifying you now won't give a shit about your girlfriends once you win a major. Just win, please, so the gawkers can get on with their lives and the haters can love you again. If you lose, I'll have to endure breathless, aroused talking heads analyzing you and your whores constantly until the next major tournament. Once you win, all this crap will be forgotten and you'll be a hero again because this is America. Get on with it.