I love the spectacle of the Winter Olympic Games, yet I don't envy the lives of the athletes. I don't want to be any of those people. No snow, no ice, no contraptions for me. (Have you noticed that winter sports are contraption-intensive?) This week, I have wanted to be this person and this one (not Julia Stiles, Kay Hanley) and I would totally steal the identity of Fluid Pudding, but I don't wish I could be a figure skater or a bobsledder or a Flying Tomato. I've been skiing three times in my life and I could go forever without making it an even four. Except, darn it, I have this husband, Not Don, and three kids and we're going skiing at spring break. I'm hoping I can get a doctor's note so I don't have to participate. I still have flashbacks of floundering on my back in the snow with my skis tangled in the orange plastic fencing. So don't worry, Lindsey Vonn. I don't plan to steal your identity or your medal, even if I could.